u/Ziggy_1992 wrote:
"I came to China for four months specifically to see how life is and if I could actually live here long-term with my Chinese wife and our baby."
"I really tried to make it work: figured out the apps, got used to daily life, dealt with the language barrier, but I've realized that living here as a foreigner is just too complicated."
He came to test ordinary family life. The first thing he discovered was that the test would happen inside his wife's parents' apartment.
The homestay was the experiment
The plan had been separate housing:
u/Ziggy_1992, in a later reply:
"Before coming to China, our plan was to rent apartment or hotel to avoid this situation. But reality came back: my mother in law forced a lot. She insist so strongly that I had to say yes ... and now it's 4 months I am living with my in laws. It's like hell for me, even they are super kind"
The original post put the problem more gently:
"Plus, my in-laws were a bit too involved in our daily life, which made it hard to feel like I had my own space."
u/lolfamy:
"Yeah I wouldn't be too happy if I had to live with my in laws. I need my privacy and their childcare methods are a bit outdated. Great for visiting but I need my space. But living like that is common and kind of expected when marrying into a Chinese family"
The same commenter understood how a temporary favor can become the whole arrangement:
"That's what usually happens. You give in to one demand and then it snowballs from there. Same here, they're very kind but I don't even like spending that much time with my own parents much less living with them."
"No exaggeration we ate the same thing four days in a row once, not for any particular holiday reason, just that it's what they wanted to eat."
The OP answered with the apartment's daily texture:
"I am living with my mother in law and it's super hard every day but I start to understand Chinese lol"
"Absolutely terrible especially in that tiny apartment + fried tofu and noodle soup every day"
u/m__s:
"Ahhhh man. Small baby and mother-in-law in one house, the worse! :)"
One parent in the replies said the housing arrangement, not China itself, might be the gating problem:
u/Jenny727:
"Ah, as a previous NYer now living in China with a young family, I think your living situation may be the gating obstacle. We live separately from our children's grandparents (still close enough to visit regularly), as we and grandparents were all very much eyes open and very aware that living together would have been overwhelming and ultimately detrimental to everyone's comfort and mental health."
Another reply was blunter:
u/ycaivrp:
"Four months living in your in laws apartment is not real living."
And another reduced the trade-off to one line:
u/Twarenotw:
"You've traded an independent life in your home country for living with your in-laws, having neither a job nor financial independence nor employment prospects... Yep, doesn't sound ideal at all."
Help was everywhere. Independence wasn't.
The OP's wife could help him navigate China, but that help also became proof of how little he could do alone.
u/Sternenschweif4a:
"For me the language barrier is the worst and I recognize it's entirely my fault. It makes me feel so dumb though because I can't really function without a native Chinese"
The OP replied:
"I am living with my mother in law and it's super hard every day but I start to understand Chinese lol"
For some commenters, a Chinese spouse was a major advantage. For others, needing that advantage for every ordinary task was the problem.
u/True-Entrepreneur851:
"I came here and it is even much much much more painful for me than in your case cause I'm not married with Chinese and willing to stay as such."
"I spend my life translating apps and struggling in everything but I have high resilience. I need to pay a guy to order imported stuff, I need to pay for my tax .... I need help for everything."
u/Clemichoux:
"even if his wife can do a lot that doesn't change the fact that always being dependent on someone feels terrible, for her too, he just becomes another burden of everyday life"
Other replies thought the answer was effort:
u/huyouer:
"If you're resilient, why not learning the language? Yes Chinese is difficult to learn, but as long as you are willing to put the efforts in, it can be learned, especially if you're living in China."
u/True-Entrepreneur851:
"I do learn the language and it eased my life so much. But still my Chinese sucks cause I'm bit in university doing this only. People speak to me in English most of the time, therefore progress is slower but I do learn Chinese."
The OP's answer to the planning criticism was simple:
"My plan was more 'trying and see if it's possible' than 'moving directly' :-) hopefully we still have apartment and everything in my country! My mind was 'it will be more easy to get a job if I am already in china', btw I know the truth now."
Four months was the argument
The thread kept asking whether four months was enough time to decide.
u/HarRob:
"Four months isn't that long. If you are looking at it as a serious move I would say try to stay two years. Four months is nothing."
u/rich2083:
"4 -9 months is prime home sickness/ culture shock time. You need at least 18 months to decide"
u/ThrowAwayAmericanAdd:
"I think you need to experience every holiday and season 3x — first is the novelty, second is the evaluation, 3rd is the recognition of how it is."
But the same long-term commenters did not all agree that staying longer would fix it.
u/rich2083:
"Spent a decade in china and I largely agree with you. However, from personal experience most people who left did so between months 4-9 as the initial novelty wore off. Homesickness kicked in etc. Most people who passed month 9 generally stayed long term."
u/Brilliant-Toe-8436:
"I lived in Shanghai China for 5 years from 2014-2019. The first year was hell for me just like you since I had to go through similar experiences… however once you overcome this phase (took me about a year) then things begin to change for the better. The last years of being in China I loved it, it been one of my best experiences in life."
u/ForeignAgency1175:
"For us, the decision also involved a time frame: let's go for 2 years. If it is completely unbearable after the first year, we go. If we like it, we extend."
"At first we were mesmerized with the culture and the amazing places, then frustrated on the communication, bureaucracy, and self-sufficiency sides ... then home sick ... and around 1 year being here I felt at home despite still not speaking chinese."
The sharpest long-term counterpoint came from someone who had spent almost fifteen years there:
u/Cultivate88:
"Moving to another country is something most people won't do their entire lives - moving to China requires a really open mind and getting over the initial shock of being a foreigner - even this first step takes a few years."
"I've been here spanning across almost 15 years and went from working at a company to starting my own - and every process from the visas to social security, the changing regulations, and even the accounting is an uphill battle - but I think that's what it takes to stay in China long-term - you have to be used to walking slightly uphill."
The replies kept asking: did he plan enough?
Some readers saw the story as a baby, no job, and no financial plan arriving at the same time.
u/dcrm:
"I wouldn't advise coming here under any circumstances if you have a baby and don't have a degree/job lined up. If 1 & 2 both apply then you are in an insane situation."
u/wankinthechain:
"No job, with a baby... What did you think day to day life was going to be like? You don't move to a country with zero plans, you either plan to have fun or for business but with a baby, you're literally a stay at home dad."
The OP did not claim to have made a perfect relocation plan. He said the point was to find out whether relocation was possible at all.
Meanwhile, a positive counterexample showed how much the variables matter:
u/Artistic_Loquat4241:
"My son has been living there for over a year now and loves it. He uses Alipay most of the time which connects to his US credit cards. He works as a freelancer and most of his clients are in the US, so he does not have the problem of looking for a job in China fortunately."
"But he stays at big cities such as Shanghai and Guangzhou, so it might be easier for foreigners there."
One commenter thought the OP had simply failed the test:
u/PM_ME_YOUR_STOMACHS:
"Not being funny mate but I came here on my own fresh out of university, zero Mandarin skills, with only 4000RMB in cash notes. That was almost a decade ago and since then I've managed to sculpt a great life for myself here."
"Your life in China is what you make of it. It sounds like you didn't even try."
The bank became the comment section's test case
The OP's bank story was disputed, but it was also one of the most concrete moments in the thread:
u/Ziggy_1992:
"In my situation, the bank doesn't allow me to spend more than 3500 rmb per day. Their answer? You are foreigner. Last time I buy a laptop I had to transfer to my WeChat account on two or three days"
u/Desperate_Owl_594:
"That should only be the limit to take out from an ATM, not the daily spending limit."
u/Previous_Treacle2674:
"Yeah, same thing happened to me. I opened an account in Bank of China and I've been putting it on my WeChat"
u/Neoliberal_Nightmare:
"I've been able to use my passport for all apps and most don't need any ID."
Another commenter described the same kind of paperwork from a traveler's side:
u/swon888:
"Just for opening a bank account, took 2 hours for the whole process. There is just way too many verifications and paperworks and things that does not seem to be necessary."
The replies never reached one universal answer. They kept circling back to the difference between being helped and being independent.
Tourist China, daily China
The OP's conclusion was not that China had nothing to offer:
"China is an amazing place to visit, the food, culture, and energy of the cities are incredible - but after this experiment, I feel it's much better (for me) as a tourist destination than a place to settle down."
u/AlternativeAd9373:
"I love visiting China. I COULD live here (and I did for a long time) but I like living abroad for now. A nice distance from my in-laws too."
The OP left the thread with gratitude, not a conversion attempt:
"Btw I'm still happy to do this. Now I don't have any regrets. We will still come back as tourists every years"
"I'm still proud of trying it. We moved, we tried, it doesn't work so we're going back to my country. No regret"
And then he made the distinction that the comments had been arguing around all day:
"Sure, currently I'm very glad they welcome us and treat me as a family member. I just want to say it's super hard for me who is used to live 100% independent"
Source: Original Reddit post by u/Ziggy_1992 in r/chinalife, with selected public replies quoted above. Quotes are preserved as personal accounts; procedural claims remain attributed to the commenters who made them, and this article does not present one person's experience as universal.